Hans’ Handy Tips

Top Ten Uber Tips!

Hans On is our Mayrhofen insider, he has given you folks 10 top tips to survive a week at Snowbombing.  Keep checking back each day for his top tip!

Over to Hans:

Greetings my kleiners clubbing friends!

My name is Hans On, I live here in Snowbombing HQ – “der hoff” with Gerti my cow and know the place like the back of my handy.

Anyway zose crazy Snowbombing people has asked me to give you my Top 10 über Tips for surviving ze Greatest Show on Snow (since Franz Klammers stag do) and saving ze Euros…so you can send them to Ireland or Portugal, where they need them more than you, ha! Englisch humour, ya?

Über tip eins (1)

Zis is n’t Spain, Thailand or India: its zuper Austria! Land of large mountains and large reservoirs – meaning our tap water is purer than Sir Cliff Richard (and just as wet!). In fact so clean that a recent mineral analysis found our tap water to be healthier than some expensive bottled waters with fancydan names like ‘Cairngorm Dew’, ‘ Cumbrian Sweat’ and ‘ Macclesfield Mist’. So save ze Euro’s and rehydrate for absolutely frei!… now you can’t do zis in Ibiza can you?

Über tip zwei (2)

Eating on ze mountain is always more expensive than eating in ze valley. Zis is because zey have to bring ze food up by cablecar and like being on ze M6 autobahn, they’ve got you by ze short’n'curlies  (however unlike ze M6 autobahn, zere is no M&S ‘Simply Food ‘to rescue you from ze sausage and chips!). BUT…my butchers shop is ideally located at the main cablecar station, serving hot and cold snacks; and my cousin Helga runs ze Spar supermarket a few doors down, and will knock you up a fresh ham and cheese roll for next to nothing. Additionally, ski clothes have big deep pockets…now go figure! ‘Bob is ze uncle’, yes?

Über tip drie (3)

Here are some things you English do better than us Austrians; queuing, creating a diverse selection of flavoured potato crisps and parenting, for example. But other things we do better than you – yodelling, ski jumping and running petrol stations. You see my cousin Hans Obermayer’s BP garage at the bottom of town is not only opens for 24 hours, allowing you to fill up with Zuper unleaded right thru ze night…he also sells ridiculously low-priced alcohol! Located within walkable distance to most of your beds, this is probably the best petrol station in the world. Where else can you buy Jagermeister, cold cans of beer, huge bags of Haribo jelly bears AND ‘L’ plates at 5am?

Über tip veir (4)

Chances are you’ll miss breakfast some days (as you won’t want to get up at 8.30am after getting into bed only an hour previously) and as all our fantastisch restaurants (except the Bar & Grill) stop serving at 10pm, you may think that you’ll be going to bed hungry as you wander back to your crib in the early hours after another great night out, but wait! What’s zat smell wafting over ze meadow? It smells like…it is! Fresh bread!!

You see my cousin Max Bacher’s bakery starts work at 3am – meaning you can pop in and buy some oven- warm fresh bread for a few cents ‘post club’.  Max’s raisin bread is fantastic – and costs less than the price of having a wee at Paddington station. In other words; lots of dough for not much dough, as you Englanders say!

Über tip funf (5)

When you collect your lift pass write ze issue number down somewhere safe. If you lose it, and report it missing, the lift company can electronically ‘block’ ze card from being used and will issue you a replacement …but ONLY if you can give zem ze issue number. Zis tip can save you up to £178! – always listen to your Uncle Hansie!

Über tip sechs (6)

Don’t bother carrying ze ski’s and ze snowboards back to your hotel each day. Zey will cramp your style and may get stolen if you forget where you left them. Instead, pay a visit to my cousin Hubert – whose corner shop opposite the Penken top station is also a ski depot. For a few euro’s you can leave your kit up with him and collect it ze next morning. Genius! (He will also service your kit, too, meaning your Bronze level kit will suddenly feel like Silver!) – Hooray for Hubie!!!

Über tip Seiben (7)

My next Über tip is how to avoid the Penken lift queue in the morning – simply stay in bed ‘til lunchtime!!! English humour, yes? But to skip ze queues just jump on any free ski bus with HORBERGBAHN written on the side. This will take you to a super little cable car with no queues, and in which you can sit down all the way to the top with your schätz – and what’s more, it’ll take you straight to the middle of the ski area, which means avoiding the congestion at the top of ze Penken. Fantastisch, ya? “

Über tip Acht (8)

My cousin Zizzi’s team of bus drivers bring thousands of Snowbombers into Mayrhofen on transfer buses. Not only do these have a toilet and music, they also have a bar! This means that your Snowbombing socialising can start at the airport! But be aware that these buses do get full and so ze message is book your transfers now – don’t dilly dally all the way (as you say over there) or mess about with trains or hiring a car (as zer is limited parking because of ze Road Trip).  Vat’s more, zis being Austria; ZE BUSES RUN ON TIME!!!

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Über tip Neun (9)

Snow can be slippier and more treacherous than a FIFA Executive Committee member, so zis tip is all about how to avoid injury in the mountains…just stay at home! ( crazy English humour, ya?) Wearing a helmet really is a wise move and reduces ze chance of serious head injury by 35%. Some shops rent them; others will sell you one for a discounted price in April (as its late season and they want to get rid of their stock). You should also get in trim before you come out – or ‘ze mountains will find you out’.  Another health tip is to stop ski-ing or boarding when you start to feel tired. Insurance companies reckon that around three quarters of all accidents occur late afternoon – so what better excuse to stop for a mountain schnapps and soak up ze sun? Wonderbar…quite literally!Check out the below article on how important ze lid is.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-12415801

Über tip Zehn (10)

Ze mountains can be a dangerous place. Ze weather can change quickly and if you’re not prepared or dressed right, you could compromise your safety. So before you leave your room, have a quick look at the panorama camera channel on your TV. You’ll find it past the acid trip kid’s cartoons and German equivalent of Jeremy Kyle. It will not only show you a pretty picture montage against a yodel-tastic soundtrack, but will show you the temperature at the top of the mountain – very useful as its often dramatically different to the weather conditions in the valley.

Always carry a piste map and mobile phone so you know where you are (and in the event of getting  lost you can call someone to let them know where you are-ish). Finally, never ski/board alone (chairlifts are like your Quality Street sweets and bottles of baby oil; zey are made for sharing, ya?).

Follow zese rules and alles gut! See you in ze spring you crazy Englanders!